Disney’s A Christmas Carol

Scrooge has other ideas about how his evening should be spent.

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A Christmas Carol was a major step forward into viable, photo-real motion capture film-making.  I still think there are about ten years to go.  I give it three tuppence out of five.


Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Kirk and Decker share a moment.

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Star Trek: The Motion Picture took everything that was great about the TV series and got rid of it: having the original crew behave as if they were meeting each other for the first time; adding extra characters we couldn’t care less about and making them the focus; grinding things down to an excruciatingly slow pace.  Even with all of that, it’s still an interesting movie.  It might have been better had it not been a Star Trek movie, to be quite honest.  Some interesting film-making here, unmet expectations be damned.  What can you do?  I’ll still give it two and a half V’gers out of five.

This is our first request here at Movie Douche and we couldn’t be more pleased.  Matt Ward of California, thank you for your suggestion.  I won’t be doing a Star Trek Week – we just slogged through Star Wars Week and I don’t want to look like a complete geek/dork – but I do plan to roll out the original-cast movies in the near future.  Why not?

Keep those requests coming!

The French Connection

Popeye Doyle makes the strangest arrest in movie history.

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I couldn’t immerse myself fully into The French Connection for some reason.  It didn’t quite grab me.  It’s been a while, so maybe now is the time to check it out again.  Still, I give it three elevated subway trains out of five.


Dr. Rumack discovers the cause of the turbulence.

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Movie comedy was dead in the late 70’s and Airplane! came along and changed everything.  A comedy that was actually funny.  Go figure.  I give it five white loading zones out of five.

Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith

Obi-Wan Kenobi says the immortal words for the last time.

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Thank gawd that’s over with.  Of all the bits of dialog one could choose to repeat throughout six movies, this is the line he picked.  Not great, but if you repeat Hamlet’s To-Be-Or-Not-To-Be speech enough times it will sound like something off the back of a cereal box, too.

In order, the characters who received the honor of getting to spout that classic dialog:

  • Luke Skywalker
  • Princess Leia
  • Han Solo
  • Obi-Wan Kenobi
  • Anakin Skywalker
  • Obi-Wan Kenobi  (Ewan McGregor got to say it twice!  Lucky duck.)

Revenge Of The Sith gets two buzz droids out of five, mostly because it signifies the end.

Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones

Anakin Skywalker says those immortal words.

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Maybe Star Wars Week was a bad idea.  Even I’m getting tired of this!  Only one more to go, people.

Attack Of The Clones blew dead womprats.  Just terrible.  I give it one Acklay out of five and that’s generous.  Raise your hand if you know what an Acklay is.  Yeah, nothing memorable there.

Don Cheadle In Space

A few years back, my brother and I started compiling a loose list of all the actors who were featured in movies set in space and looked super awkward for having taken the job.  For whatever reason, they were just too Earthbound and wound up looking silly.  Once we exhausted the list of actors who already made the mistake, we expanded the list to actors who should never, under any circumstance, take a space gig.  It became something of a running game.  We’d come out of a movie and say, “You know, Sandra Bullock could be in space.”  Try it yourself sometime.

I’ve forgotten a great deal of the list, but here’s our chance to build it anew.  We dubbed the list Don Cheadle In Space, because he was the first guy on it and it just sounded funny.

Actors Who Should Have Never Gone Into Outer Space

  • Don Cheadle (Mission To Mars)
  • Tim Robbins (Mission To Mars again!)
  • Julia Roberts (Notting Hill)
  • Kirk Douglas (Saturn 3)
  • George Clooney (Solaris)

Actors Who Should Never Take Space Gigs

  • Jack Nicholson
  • Hugh Grant
  • Colin Firth
  • John Cusack
  • Emma Thompson
  • All the Sex And The City ladies
  • Jim Carrey (Earth Girls Are Easy we’ll forget about)
  • Robert Deniro

Harrison Ford would make this list now, even though he scored his fame in Star WarsRaiders Of The Lost Ark pulled his screen persona right back down into the dust.  Since Deniro is on there, we might as well throw Al Pacino on there, as well.  It’s hard to imagine him as anything but a cop in this stage of his career and a space cop is just bad juju.  Even though this is an actor’s list, I’m going to mention director Tim Burton as someone who should have never directed in space.  I think we can all agree on that.

Who do you think would be best served by not donning a space helmet, firing a blaster, or uttering the phrase, “Phasers locked on target”?

Or, heaven forbid, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”